Thursday, July 16, 2009

Heart-Pulling Decisions

            I’m torn. Yesterday work kept me late, and traffic was the pits, so when I finally got home an hour-and-a-half later than usual, I only had enough energy to be with my daughter for ten minutes before slogging off for a nap.
            And it sucks.
            I just don’t know if I’m up to working long days, and spending a lot of time in the car. All that time away from my Little Potato and my Red Hot Mama. I just don’t know if I can do it.
            I’m also feeling some conservative impulses in regards to my personal investment into this new opportunity. I’ve got to do some of my own research, on my own initiative, before buying into something. I’d like to gain long-term from all my efforts, but at the same time, I don’t know if I’m ready to put in the kind of risk that may be asked of me. Which means at the end of the day, even though I’m pioneering something new, I would do it as an employee. I’d receive good financial returns in the short-run, but have nothing long-term gained for my efforts.
            I don’t know if I like that. I just don’t know. I have a lot to sort through in the next weeks which will have a big ramification on our future. I need to be aware of all the options, all the issues, and all the costs, so that I can make a proper assessment. I need legal help. And I need to get on it right away.
            I think it’d be at least a little bit easier for me to spend time away from the family if I had some sort of stake in the company. Otherwise, if I’m just an employee, why bother? These are such precious years I get to spend with my daughter. They will pass and never happen again. Do I really want to diminish my involvement in that in any way? Not without a lot of thought. It has to be significant to pull me away.
            My little sweetheart is already changing in her personality. She loves smiling and laughing, but it usually requires more input from us than it used to. She’s almost walking, I can sense it. Every day she gets a little bolder. A little more mature. A little more aware. She’s pulling books off her shelf now, and when it’s a book she’s interested in, she’ll sit with it and do her best to flip through the pages. She loves the photo album I made her, and has already ripped out a few pages. She’s growing up so quickly. I can’t let this slip by. It’s more important than all the money, all the status, all the power in the world.
            And it’s pulling at my heart as I sit and ponder what kind of decision to make.

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