Thursday, December 17, 2009

Lesson #256: Don’t smell poo with your mouth full.

            Okay, it may seem obvious, but let me explain. The easiest way to check if the diaper is full of a load of “Number Two” is to smell it. As long as you’ve got a certain amount of distance between you and your child’s bum, this is a relatively harmless and non-intrusive method of information gathering. Almost scientific. Verifiable, almost certain to return accurate results every time.
            We’ve gotten into the habit of doing the sniff test over the last few months. When she has to do her duty she usually stares straight ahead, gets a bright red face, and makes grunting sounds. Pretty obvious, right? But sometimes after the sniff test it turns out the whole red-faced routine was a false alarm. Shooting blanks.
            So, when we were all sitting around at the kitchen table with our dinner guest, and eating a delightful bite of my wife’s elk-shepherds-pie, I noticed Celia standing off to the side doing her little red-faced grunting. Bingo!
            Michelle looked at me and said, “I cooked dinner. Your turn to change her.”
            I stood obediently and quickly (with that delicious food still in my mouth), and lifted my little darling to do the sniff test.
            Eureka! We struck gold.
            And instantly the food in my mouth tasted like poo.
            I don’t know why I didn’t expect this. I know that the nose and mouth are connected. Sometimes when things are happening so quickly, common sense is replaced with lunacy all in the name of doing the right thing.
            And so, I hope that my ridiculous behavior, which tainted the dinner experience, can be a lesson to anyone reading this. Lesson #256.

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