Monday, August 16, 2010

The Major Breakdown

            Second day canoeing down the Missouri River, and I’m amazed that I’m out here. I think about Michelle and the kids a lot and pray that they make it alright without me.
            I worry a bit, because Michelle had a major breakdown a few days ago. I’ve never seen her so worked up, worn down, stressed out, and upset. And of course, with their mother all whacked out, the kids were stressed as well. I walked in the door and instantly took charge. I ordered Michelle to go take a walk, fed Celia, explaining to her that Mommy was having a bad day, and it happens to everyone, so don’t worry. And I had Joshua strapped to my chest the whole time.
            Sometimes I wonder why Michelle gets so worked up. Is it hormones? Is it normal for women? I look around at other women raising kids, and in all honesty I have no idea if they go through something similar, because it’s so private. By the time I see them, they’ve got on their public faces, as if parenting is easy.
            On nice thing about being out on the river is having time to think. I’ve been a bit frustrated at how quickly this month is passing me by. Time is slipping away. Joshua is starting to smile and pay attention to mobiles. Celia is maturing rapidly – when she runs she’s starting to have more balance, and she’s using correct grammar for longer and longer sentences. And I – I feel like I’m stagnant. Like that patch of calm water we hit today – it feels like an effort to move forward.
            I don’t want this time to shoot past, but I don’t want to be stuck, either. Being a parent of two kids under two is a special time. More difficult, perhaps, most certainly more grueling. And in some ways, when we have a moment to sit back and look at life with some perspective, these days are more precious as well.

1 comment:

  1. Gruelling...good word. Please pass on my hugest hugs to Michelle - she's TOTALLY and COMPLETELY normal!!! And radiant. Having 2 average kids under the age of 2 is VERY difficult....add a colicky baby to that and you have a very as you say gruelling situation. I will keep praying you through your next move and for some peace in settling in there. You guys have bitten off a huge chunk of stress (allbeit good and decisive) all at once so try to remember to be patient - you will once again engage in peace and quiet and some more chaos sprinkled in between too...but you'll both come up for air again!

    I love you four!