I’d like to think I have more faith – that I could be at peace when my mind starts going in these directions.
You’d think I would be more confident based on my life’s history. I’ve always had a roof over my head, delicious and nutritious food on my plate, and an abundance of loving people around me. Maybe it’s just a phase I’m going through, trying to figure out life. Maybe I need to rethink my plans.
I was asking myself all sorts of difficult questions as I was sitting on the couch, and feeling the edge come out when I replied to my wife, when Celia called out, “Daddy!” from the other room.
I turned my head to see her parading around with a laundry basket on her head.
My mood instantly perked up and I laughed as I watched her. She mirrored my smile with a big smile of her own. The smile said, “I’m smiling because I’m making you happy.”
The laundry basket was funny, but her smile is what cheered me up.
It doesn’t change all my questions. I don’t know how we’ll make it. And it’s good to be realistic as well as careful. But it reminds me that I need to be grounded in the present with my kids, and not get wrapped up in these kinds of worries when I’m with them.
I hope that, no matter what burdens I face in this life, and no matter what our financial situation will be down the road, I can always experience joy, light and love with my family. It’s hard to keep the edginess from seeping out around the edges, even with the kids, but this is my goal. I don’t want them to experience adult stresses. Not yet.